You know when you’re sad, and then you become more sad because you realize that you feel depleted and broken because you’ve given yourself so much that now you don’t have much to give yourself. I try to do good things. I try. And keep trying. Then you feel good, then it isn’t. Just like that. Again. It isn’t.

So, I’m pretty sad right now. I hurt someone’s feelings, 100% completely by accident, and now I feel rotten. This just happened last night. So it’s still new. Anyways, I’ve been in a funk about it all day. As I’m sitting here thinking about last night, naturally my mind started reliving the other times I’ve hurt someone or been hurt by someone. Then all of a sudden I just caught myself wanting to reach out to my ex. the VI, the cheater, who betrayed my trust by being a massive raging cheating liar? Just curious? I won’t. But why would I even consider it??

I’m so thankful to still be here, physically, mentally and emotionally. I am blessed for the life I have now. I have always told people that I have been 2 different decisions away from living much differently. I’ve said that for years, I’ve been two different decisions away from being a drug addict, prostitute, homeless, gambler, dead, abused, missing, behind bars, – you name it. But here is today and because some of my life choices are in that list I have fought hard to get to where I am in my life now. I am proud to look back at those life paths and I’m thankful for them, good and bad. But I’m here.

I’m here with God’s grace. THAT is what I’m most thankful for.

What a great feeling to just realize you’re catching a break. Then in a day or two you realize the “break” is still going. I’m going on a week now that I’m going to ride this “break” as long as I can. This is more for my peeps with chronic inflammation. I wonder why it takes such a long time to see the light, that really is question of the day? So I take “wins” like this ANY day. It does get better.

There’s nothing like bringing back a memory that just makes you “happy to your soul” from 35 years ago. That happened tonight. This one is especially special because it reminded me of my mom. My Mama was the best cook and baker EVER ❤️ my incredible mom passed away 30 years ago. So, tonight I did something I had not done, I thoroughly enjoyed 2 chicken soft shell corn tacos… I’m not sure if I did it subconsciously or not, but 35 years is heckuva long time to never ordered soft shell corn tacos?? 🤔 Regardless, enjoying them this evening was a true “happy to your soul” moment. I love and miss you everyday, Mama. I wish you were here.

Not long ago life was different. Thinking back about 6 – 8 years ago, I was able to run a work meeting, speak to over a dozen people (which is A LOT for me), bounce out of bed, work like a man, had a husband, be on my feet for 16 hours IN HEELS, be active for 6 straight days except for Sunday, that was my down day and now…… Now is completely different. Completely freaking different.

This is what life resembles now – I’m in an entry level job making A LOT less money, haven’t tried to speak to a number of people; frankly because I have no desire to, there is definitely no bounce in the morning; maybe to pee, work like a 95 year old man, divorced, no heels; only wedges or flats, forget about being active for 6 days straight (( LOL )). So needless to say, now is freaking different.

I’m still better off than many people. I’m sitting in the air conditioning with my rent paid and food in the fridge. I’m troubled for sure, but I am grateful.

Some days you just have to take one hour at a time.

I’m not sure when it happened but all I know now, is I’m very resentful. I’ve tried to live a pretty low drama and peaceful way of life. So when I see mean people being successful I think “why them”. I know, I know I’m not supposed to be that way. How do you stop? So, all I can say is that I’m working on it. I’ve always expected that my tragedies would have a cap, I’m still waiting. My life by no means has been awful. I’ve been able to feel the sand under my feet and listen to waves of the vast ocean. I’ve been on vacation with 6,000 other people on a big boat headed to some of the prettiest places. I’ve ziplined in Honduras and seen the dolphins dance in the gulf. So you would think that after experiencing some pretty great journeys in life I would be more appreciative. To be clear, I’m extremely grateful. God has been good to me. But I still struggle. But when you have the lost like I have and try to make sense of everything, I’m resentful. I guess there isn’t a realistic comparison to others, ( Sonder Effects ) so I need to stop being judgmental of myself and others. Since, I will never truly know what others fully go through, I need to just concentrate on what makes my life full. It really would be easier if life’s curveballs weren’t coming from multiple directions. So my struggle continues, as many others, but I pray all of this will make sense one day. I pray for strength, patience and openness for all of us.

Love, pretty resentful.

This a letter I needed to write to someone from my past.  Trying to explain to someone that you’ve not seen in a very long time why I am like I am.   Harder than you think.   When you don’t quite understand yourself.

   Hi beautiful, I’m much better with the written word instead of verbally. My mind starts to race when I’m talking and then suddenly, I’ve changed topics and I’ve double talked myself right into crazy. So, I would love for you to understand where I am coming from. I’ve not had a good friend in a long time. Of course, I take it very personally because I’m the common factor, right? I don’t know if I know how to be a good friend anymore? But I’ve not felt safe to share information with many people because of misplaced trust, bad men, bad decisions, bad friends. It’s very hard to share anything. Every since last July I’ve been in whirlwind medically with new pains and new issues and very few answers. That whirlwind added to an already existing tornado of depression I’ve been in. So, what happens, pretty frequently, is when I start to talk I get interrupted, so that by itself tells me what I’m trying to share isn’t important. So, I withdraw. Why wouldn’t I? I have so many ppl that say one thing and do another. I’ve heard “I’ll be there” and guess what- they aren’t, again. More so now, I feel like my health is my identity now. When I see someone or start to have a conversation I’m asked how I feel. I don’t know how to tell everyone that I hurt every day, something new hurts, something old hurts, new symptoms; every day. That gets old. I know you are busy, but we haven’t been spending time together. I’d much rather prefer to focus on rebuilding our friendship and just talking, instead of how I’m feeling. Especially because we talk so infrequently. So, when you put all of my self-doubt and constant abandonment issues in one damaged package, this is what you get. I hope this helps.

I’m learning that when you listen to other people you begin to hear similar experiences, stories, accomplishments, defeats, lessons and on and on.  It wasn’t until recently I started noticing this.  I had went through much of life believing that I was the only one who could have ever had that specific experience, good or bad, I assumed no one else would ever be able to understand.  So, I went through life’s experiences, never really sharing with others.  To explain it took too much time or I figured they would never understand.   Looking back I was selfish to myself and my friends, by keeping all of that experiences inside I denied myself the opportunity to grow to learn something about myself or someone else. 

But instead I assumed I was alone with “life” feeling like no one else would understand.   How could I have known, no one told me.  But I didn’t ask either.

I’ve been going back and forth on how to utilize this site the best. I have battled with thoughts of self doubt and how my words may be misinterpreted. But I’ve decided that I’m going to just write what comes up and go from there. Right or wrong. Ironically, that is the basis of my blog, after all.