This a letter I needed to write to someone from my past.  Trying to explain to someone that you’ve not seen in a very long time why I am like I am.   Harder than you think.   When you don’t quite understand yourself.

   Hi beautiful, I’m much better with the written word instead of verbally. My mind starts to race when I’m talking and then suddenly, I’ve changed topics and I’ve double talked myself right into crazy. So, I would love for you to understand where I am coming from. I’ve not had a good friend in a long time. Of course, I take it very personally because I’m the common factor, right? I don’t know if I know how to be a good friend anymore? But I’ve not felt safe to share information with many people because of misplaced trust, bad men, bad decisions, bad friends. It’s very hard to share anything. Every since last July I’ve been in whirlwind medically with new pains and new issues and very few answers. That whirlwind added to an already existing tornado of depression I’ve been in. So, what happens, pretty frequently, is when I start to talk I get interrupted, so that by itself tells me what I’m trying to share isn’t important. So, I withdraw. Why wouldn’t I? I have so many ppl that say one thing and do another. I’ve heard “I’ll be there” and guess what- they aren’t, again. More so now, I feel like my health is my identity now. When I see someone or start to have a conversation I’m asked how I feel. I don’t know how to tell everyone that I hurt every day, something new hurts, something old hurts, new symptoms; every day. That gets old. I know you are busy, but we haven’t been spending time together. I’d much rather prefer to focus on rebuilding our friendship and just talking, instead of how I’m feeling. Especially because we talk so infrequently. So, when you put all of my self-doubt and constant abandonment issues in one damaged package, this is what you get. I hope this helps.